- Cleaning house. Purging things that bring bad memories, and the joys of the new sofa.
The only way to really start this section is to put out there what happened so you'll know WHY things have been tossed and replaced. My son was molested by a family "friend" who I'd taken in after their mom died. Since then, every and ANYthing that reminds me of that person (or anyone from that damn family) has had to go! I've gotten rid of the comforter I let him use, the bag he carried his gym clothes in, every single navy blue towel, anything that had a transformer on it, my sofa, and soon the mattress he slept on. I've had to rearrange the guest room just so it looks/feels different so I can go in there again. I took down pictures, tossed little mementos, threw out the last of and refuse to ever buy again the brand of cereal he ate, and probably a bunch of other things I can't recall this second. It was a sad but therapeutic process that has helped me regain some sanity, and get back to being comfortable in my own home again. I wasn't able to look at the sofa let alone sit on it without picturing his fat ass sitting in the same corner. I got a call from social services that pissed me off so much because they basically say he's going to get away with it and live life without a care since he's autistic. HIGH FUNCTIONING AND WELL AWARE OF WHAT HE WAS DOING, but autistic nonetheless so they won't name him. When I got off the phone I flipped my shit and tossed that sofa out in the rain. I was trying to wait until it was really in my budget to replace it before telling people they'll have to sit on the floor when they visit, but in that moment the damn thing had to go! Yes I've replaced it anyway ..... and when I say it feels GREAT in my family room, that's probably an understatement. I LOOOOOOOOVE the way it looks. I LOOOOOOOOVE the way it feels. I hated that I found more of his shit when I was going through that, but I LOOOOOOOOVE knowing that it's gone now and there's less to find later. It's been a really expensive, painful, and tiring process but each day gets better.
Due to the trauma my son experienced, and not knowing how long or how frequently the abuse occurred, my son's now in play therapy. He was acting out in school, and has been moved into a behavior class because he was absolutely horrible. Since he's been in the class he's been better in school, and I haven't had to deal with a ton of phone calls/notes about his actions. It's impossible to tell if he was acting out because of the abuse or if he was acting out for other reasons (boredom included) but he's getting better. He's still stubborn beyond measure, and that mouth ... omg that mouth of his. No comment. He's been very clingy around the house and has reverted to baby things like baby talk and whining. It takes an hour to drive him to therapy because the best therapist for him happens to be worlds away. Of course. The intended outcome is that he will learn to express himself appropriately, learn better ways to interact with others, understand his feelings and address his confusion, and develop long lasting healthy habits from here on out. He likes going to therapy because its PLAY therapy. He's really good at removing feelings and thoughts from his play which makes it a bit more challenging. He had a one track mind and unless he wants to spill his guts about something, he will focus on the items/task at hand only. Before he began going to therapy I was glad when he said he was done talking to grownups about "the booty shake" because then I didn't have to hear it anymore. After being interviewed REPEATEDLY by doctors, police, social workers, and the school counselor he said all on his own that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Now I'm wondering if its something he should be mentioning to his therapist or not. It's hard to tell what's going on with him, if he thinks about it at all, or if he's left it in the past. I guess we'll see.
Finding a counselor for myself was tasking. I searched, I called, I emailed. I was considering interviewing some, but then only found two who interested me. Of those two, only ONE responded to my message. So I told myself I'd go meet her ........ but I haven't. Any honestly, I don't think I will. I've made it through a lot of crying (A LOT of crying), and unlike in my past, this time I've been able to talk about it. I get angry. I did have a conversation with one licensed psychologist at work who helped me realize I'm more than just angry. He asked me a few questions and in our short time together he analyzed the hell out of me perfectly. When I said it was just so much so fast, he made it clear that it was a "tremendous" amount but it wasn't so fast all of a sudden, it was a tremendous amount over a very long period of time. And I need to start doing more than quick fixing my moments. I can no longer patch things up with loud music and cleaning because so many things trigger my breakdowns that I need to be able to manage it at work too. For a month I broke down at work and be useless. When I spazz I can't focus. I have too much "mental noise" he said and I needed to reduce that noise by taking things off my plate. I pleaded to get out of things at work. I've stopped both of my side hustles so no one is getting their hair done and no one is getting any shirts. I have less of a problem pulling myself out of bed now, but originally it was the hardest part of the day, especially on weekends when I really didn't have to.
He said that the two things that make recovery hard for most people, are not issues I have because I have no problem with my self esteem (I'm freakin awesome) and I know that what happened is not my fault. He says I should be able to address my anger management without counseling but that I should probably talk to someone regarding my grief, and sense of betrayal.
Being betrayed has been the hardest emotion to conquer. Thinking about it makes me cry, because I do things from the heart, with good intentions and to continuously be hurt like this has broken some of my spirit in ways I don't know how to fix. Damnit just typing this part has me in tears again. Having someone close to you, hurt you ... especially in this way ... it's the worst. I spent years keeping my son away from one person I KNEW has issues, and even still I ended up inviting some pervert into my home! How fucked up is that!!!!! Who knew!!! Now I'm done. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I see any of them again. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry.
However, I don't think I need to waste time or MORE MONEY on seeing someone. I'm doing well on my own. I think as long as I have someone checking on me and asking me questions that make me keep thinking, then I'll get through it. The last time I was in therapy was when I started this blog. So here I am, blogging again! Over a decade of my thoughts in one place. The plan was to get help for myself so that I can better help my son, but he's doing ok. And I've improved because now I don't scream (literally scream n fuss) when those names are mentioned. Before, I would say things like WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM! and I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! Not anymore. Last week he mentioned one, I politely answered and we moved on. Am I glad it didn't end up being some long conversation .. hell yes! Would I have been able to have a longer conversation .. don't know.
Even at my smallest I've always had love handles. It makes shopping for jeans and dresses much harder because I'm already shaped differently with minimal torso and forever long legs. When I put on my pants they are shoved down by my flanks and I spend the day, with a belt or not, pulling my pants up. Dresses sit higher up because of it so I spend more time pulling them back down, and lately I've had the same issues with some of my hoodies. I figured for the price, it would be less of a risk than laser lipo, or actual lipo that would leave scars. So far it's been a pain. They talk about it saying there's no down time but that's a lie. Between going numb, the pins and needles feeling, swelling, being so sensitive it hurt to have clothes touch it, and now constant itching ... I'm ready to punch those ladies in the office right in the throat! I've yet to see any difference but this is only the first month and they say maximum results are at the end of month 3. IF (and that's a huge IF right now), IF I see results, I would recommend folks only do it if you have 2-4 weeks of vacation. If you have a job that requires a lot of movement, and if you enjoy going to the gym, you can forget it!
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