Entry: Flooded Monday, May 12, 2014

Woke up on the sofa and between the cramps and sleepiness there was a flood of thoughts. Scattered but a flood nonetheless.

- I sleep in the middle of the bed.
- I need rainmaker to sleep and the last time I did that was while I was pregnant.
- I've made more attempts to fix the shit in myself that other people broke than I ever have and I feel like it's not good enough, will never be good enough, and if it is ever even close to good enough it'll be years too late.
- I don't have issues being alone like I used to.
- Distance does not make my heart grow fonder.
- I can't believe I haven't done anything stupid, and that when I think about it I sort of laugh at the idea and go to sleep.
- I feel GREAT about the amount of things I got done around the house yesterday and this time I didn't have any thoughts about what I should leave, what I should ask for, what I need help with, or have any resentment that I was working solo.
- Pissed about my car and hoping it's not expensive.
- I want to get rid of the stomach fat but I'm too damn lazy
- Looking cuter makes me feel better, and I enjoy the attention I get from putting effort into my new outfits. Even from the dirty old men.
- I rarely cook anymore.
- I love the bathroom so far.
- It makes no sense to me that if two people are living separate lives that only one can talk about what's going on because if the other talks then it's more one-sided, someone might not understand, it's a reminder of what's causing a problem, it's too much like what someone else does, and what ever other some bullshit ass excuses are about the matter. I guess if it's only seen as a reminder of a problem, then that's what it'll be. Guess there's nothing left to talk about then.
- My heart hurts
- My head hurts
- I have new gray hairs and I plucked one from my hairline this morning. I was fine with it until it decided not to cooperate.
- Spiderman was great.
- I've been eating salads.
- I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never have any more children. Probably a good thing because the one I have stresses me out. Though that's mostly because being a single parent is the hardest thing in the world when you're not rich or have a big and close family.
- I've been blocking things and it's affecting my performance at work. I just don't give a shit about anything. I have work that's not done, and only 4 weeks left til summer. I honestly considered driving home this morning. Calling out from the car in the parking lot, and just driving back home. To do what? Not a damn thing.
- Discovered the six degrees of separation between me and one of my students today. Whoa. *sings* "It's a small world after all..."
- If things are going to end then why should I bother trying to be close to anyone else that comes along with it. I have no desire to be reminded of yet another failure by communicating with folks that'll remind me of all of it.
- I feel defeated every moment of every hour I attempt to be something I'm not. I don't know what happy is or how to be happy. And when I am happy I'm told all the reasons I'm probably not happy. Like some bullshit about not having free time would be better than a few more rough days. I guess that would make sense to someone who can take a break whenever they want. Never mind that a decent break or a decent amount of rest makes humans more capable of handling the shit life throws at them. But hey. It's always something though. Because I don't jump for joy, or get all excited and chatty then it must not have been good enough. Yea I complained. I didn't get a response when I said it so I said it again, and again. Some sort of acknowledgement would have been nice. But I never said, man my whole day is ruined. Actually I did say the exact opposite. I remember because I said I would be happier if----- but I am still happy. I was. Not anymore.
- I posted a pic on facebook earlier that said something like I'm 30 but I feel like I'm 20, until I hang out with people who are 20 and then I'm like yea I'm definitely 30. Yup.
- I want a new car. And a truck. And a bike.
- I want my hair done.
- I think it's time to find a pair of earrings since I've been putting it off for over a year now. Maybe someone is finally selling a pair I'd like. My poor ears are naked.
- I want some new shoes. Cute ones. Yellow ones to go with my new dress.
- I still have a headache
- I can't believe I did that. Always being told go ahead and do it and I don't want to, but today I just went off and did it. Regret. Remorse, Concern. Fear. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just said get out of my car and gone home like I wanted to.
- My laptop battery is dying now......


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