Entry: Certain Types of Control Thursday, April 24, 2014

I think it's important to maintain a certain amount of control in different situations. Everyone should feel at least some amount of control in everything they do. I don't know how you would feel safe otherwise.

So this week it seems I'm showing I have more control over my actions, my emotions, and my things. I need to take things slowly and maintain a certain amount of control in order to keep myself sane, safe, and hopefully end up happy.

When it comes to that last relationship and how things ended, I immediately regained a lot of things that I had given up/shared over time. Space, time, money, energy ..... And now to have those things back, it's hard to explain. Like no comparison actually makes sense, but in my mind I know what I mean. Let's see, maybe it's like getting evicted and then trying to pay the bills after finding all of your stuff in the street. It's not going to happen. You knew what you were supposed to do, what you needed to do in order to keep what you wanted but you didn't do it. So yea, now you're willing to pay up BUT you have to start the entire process over just to get back in. IF they even let you back in! It doesn't matter how nicely you treated the office staff.

I heard that it might sound like it's just my way of being controlling. Well, there are a few ways I could respond to that:

1. I can do that because it's MINE! I have the right, I don't have to let anyone in. And no matter what the reason is that things ended up the way they did, at the end of the day I don't HAVE TO do anything I'm not comfortable with.

2. I'm controlling my feelings and guarding my heart. I don't trust things not to fall apart, like they've already done a few times, so why rush back in when there might be a rush back out?! Sure we're not supposed to think that way about it but that's the truth.

3. Of course there is the way it looks to people on my side. I haven't given it any thought what they might think, but I'm sure it's not anything close to what folks on the other side think.

I've never shared so much with someone before. It's more about my feelings than anything.

Ugh, this post sounds blah.

Maybe writing while the children are in centers isn't a good time.


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