So this morning I got myself to realize that in order for one person to ask questions that the questions would need to be answered. Simple and obvious enough I know, yet I struggle with answering what I consider to be "obvious" things. I've also been trying to get the point across that you won't know what I want if you don't ask me. Something new I'm trying in order to fulfill my emotional needs. Guessing isn't the answer because in the end you only do things that YOU THINK I want or would like. And while yes, I might like them, they're probably not what's been on my mind or at the top of my wish list. There's a fine line between nice gestures and doing things you think I'd like. If you want to make a nice gesture it should be on your own time. If you want to do something I'd like then you should probably ask what I'd like to do, or have done. If you want to make plans that are secret then plan in advance with some date/time options.
So I took 2 steps forward just to get knocked 3 steps back today. By saying that it's ok to try asking me questions (since I'm trying to improve on talking), and in turn I answered the questions with less resistance, I was then confronted about the reasons I don't get asked questions in the first place. Never mind that I was asked and answered finally. Instead of being happy about it, and recognizing that after another week of hardship I was attempting to try again, I was reminded why it's so damn hard to bother. The next time I'm asked a question the wait time for a response will probably be much longer. Gave me a freakin' twitch. Ugh.
Mood: aggravated Movie: Rambo Song: Brook Valentine - Girl fight Color: tip of a hot fire blue
Yesterday after a long work day while not feeling well, I was convinced that I needed to run a few errands before going home. I really wanted to go to sleep. But anyway. After getting home I asked for something and while I thought it was a simple request it proved difficult anyway. And the old me was hesitant to continue talking because I was so shocked about the confusion. However, I told myself I needed to speak up, at least say a little something to make it more clear. Just as I started to say something TA DA they figured it out!! I wonder if I had waited the extra 2 seconds if it would have still been figured out, or if I had said something sooner would there have been less stress. Tho I don't really know if I caused much stress. Maybe it was just me. But why would something so small stress me? Foolishness.
I think I did well this morning though. I was able to share what was on my mind about my feelings, and what I wanted. No, I didn't exactly spit it out and say it as directly as possible, but I did make it known as best as I could for the time being. Shockingly I got what I wanted, and didn't feel as bad or as annoyed about it as I thought I would (just because I still think I shouldn't have to ask for everything - side note: now accepting applications for hot looking mind readers :p). I thought asking for things or having to say what I want all the time would be less fulfilling. It wasn't too bad. And in return I felt better about doing something nice.
Other news of the day and things on my mind that have nothing to do with the title:
- I'm starving - I'm thrilled my apple cake came out perfectly - I really hope Donovan behaves as much as he can, and enjoys his morning with his other godmother - I wish I could buckle down and get my office cleaned up so I can paint the shirts folks want - In the last month while I've been reclaiming my single status I did something shocking! I cleaned the toilet!!! It's been a goooooooooooooood while since I've cleaned a toilet. LOL. Yup. - I feel bad that I often want Donovan to just STOP TALKING when it's been just the two of us all day long. OMG that boy can talk!!! Incessantly!! And sometimes I just don't feel like answering. - It would be nice if my bathroom were finished but surprisingly I'm not upset that it isn't. I'm more upset that I got a sink for my birthday. - I need to shave - There's laundry at the foot of my bed .... again. Ugh. - I wish I cared about my job. I know I'm half assing it til the year ends. - Seeing celebrities without their makeup makes me cringe. So deceptive. Meanies. (my thought based on seeing Erica Jean without makeup on Iyanla Fix My Life, when she's already not cute even with it on) - Also wondering why the hell Iyanla's outfits are all skin tight! - I know I was told that tomorrow morning she wants to take full advantage of the alone time but ... 1. I don't know what that means. 2. I wasn't asked about what I'd like to do with the time. WIth any luck I'll get some more things accomplished. *fingers crossed*
Mood: umm .. uncertain Movie: The Vow Song: Pink - So What Color: fresh snow white
It's annoys me when I cut and paste information from other sources and everywhere there is supposed to be a quotation mark there ends up being some code. I considered editing it but *rolls eyes* who has time for that mess. I'll just avoid re-reading them. I'm too OCD for that many errors.
5 Hurtful Phrases to Remove from Your Marriage Vocabulary
It seems like marriage is just another word for “endlessly learning to communicate”. Yes, there is so much more to marriage than communication, but how many marital issues would be erased or solved if we just learned to communicate in a more healthy manner? Our 10+ years have taught us that it’s not a matter of if we disagree, but when we do, how will we handle it?
In a sentence, here’s the key to healthy communication through virtually anything: both should never quit and always communicate until you reach the other side. This, of course, takes grit and dedication… and a few bits of sound wisdom on how to resolve things more healthily wouldn’t hurt either. Thus, this post.
It’s impossible to define everything everyone should or shouldn’t say in every situation. However, there are some phrases that are usually unhelpful for marriage:
1: I'm Busy
A very new friend of mine, Tyler Ward, wrote an incredibly insightful article called, “Busy isn’t respectable anymore.” One read through and you’ll want to remove “I’m busy…” from your vocabulary for good.
But why does that matter for your marriage? As Tyler illustrates, saying “I’m busy” is often just a force of habit and usually an indication of some deeper disfunction (no, not always, but often). There’s a saying: “If you’re too busy for your spouse, you’re too busy”. That being the case, we should always make time for our spouses without relegating ourselves to simply being “busy”.
If you are actually busy, that’s fine, just articulate exactly what’s going on so your spouse may understand and support you with your tasks!
2: You Always
Absolute statements like “you always…” or “you never…” are something Selena and I have worked very hard to remove from our marriage. We’ve yet to fully succeed! The problem with absolute statements is that they’re never true when speaking of behavior, and they are always hurtful (there are two absolute statements you can be sure of!). Absolute statements say more about who’s saying them then they do about whom they’re directed at.
If I may be blunt, absolute statements are just plain lazy.
Example: Instead of “You never want want sex…”, consider a statement like “lately, I’ve felt like we’re not connecting intimately enough. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
By being specific and purposeful with your language, you can actually move forward together instead of accusing one another. Removing absolute statements from your marriage diction will do wonders.
How many times have we ended an argument with a single dismissive “whatever”?
“Whatever” is the arch enemy of biblical reconciliation. By dismissing disagreements with “whatever”, you’re essentially stating that you don’t care enough about the person or disagreement to discuss further. Love never quits. Love is patient, kind, not easily angered, and always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13).
It’s not that whatever is a bad word, it’s just usually used in times when love isn’t at it’s best. Removing whatever from your marriage vocabulary will force to to either 1) explain why you’re OK with dismissing the conversation, or 2) explain why you’re truly ok with whatever.
4: The word Divorce
It’s tragic when we hear couples use the word “divorce”, either jokingly or seriously, in reference to their own marriage. Marriage only works if divorce is not an option (see #4 here). If there’s no back door, you’ll both be committed to working through anything.
The greatest enemy we’ve seen at play in marriage is simply giving up; someone decides to step out the back door. They mentally, emotionally, and spiritually check-out of the marriage. How can you work something out if one person leaves or refuses to engage? Divorce is just that: giving up on the marriage.
Using the word “divorce” potentially cracks the door on a terrible possibility into your marriage. Would it be funny or appropriate ever if you said “I sincerely hope you die a horrible painful death”? Nope. It’s hurtful no matter how you slice it.
I implore you, remove “divorce” from your vocabulary. Don’t use it as a threat, comedic relief, or otherwise.
5: *I wish you were more like* and *you’re just like your [parent]*
Ok, yes this is two phrases. I wanted to combine them here because I believe they come from the same place: comparison.
Comparison is truly heartbreaking. Nobody likes being compared to someone else, whether it’s a friend, a stranger, a family member, or a celebrity. People aren’t things, like cars with features to be compared. “This one has GPS”, “that one gets 40 MPG”, etc.
Nothing makes me feel smaller than when I’m unscrupulously compared to someone greater than me. Feeling that kind of small is ok, I guess, but only if it’s relation to Jesus. May Jesus be the only person we compare ourselves and our spouses to.
Here are some tough comparisons married folks tend to make; some explicitly and some internally:
I wish [my wife] looked more like [other woman] (this is NEVER productive) You’re just like your father/mother. Usually used to illustrate an undesirable behavior, thus pigeonholing the person compared. Why can’t we be more like [some other couple]? (this type of comparison is especially frustrating)
I hope I’ve made a compelling case for why you should remove some phrases from your marriage.
Be selective with your words. There are two things in this life you can never get back once used, words and time. Use your words to give life.
Woke up on the sofa and between the cramps and sleepiness there was a flood of thoughts. Scattered but a flood nonetheless.
- I sleep in the middle of the bed. - I need rainmaker to sleep and the last time I did that was while I was pregnant. - I've made more attempts to fix the shit in myself that other people broke than I ever have and I feel like it's not good enough, will never be good enough, and if it is ever even close to good enough it'll be years too late. - I don't have issues being alone like I used to. - Distance does not make my heart grow fonder. - I can't believe I haven't done anything stupid, and that when I think about it I sort of laugh at the idea and go to sleep. - I feel GREAT about the amount of things I got done around the house yesterday and this time I didn't have any thoughts about what I should leave, what I should ask for, what I need help with, or have any resentment that I was working solo. - Pissed about my car and hoping it's not expensive. - I want to get rid of the stomach fat but I'm too damn lazy - Looking cuter makes me feel better, and I enjoy the attention I get from putting effort into my new outfits. Even from the dirty old men. - I rarely cook anymore. - I love the bathroom so far. - It makes no sense to me that if two people are living separate lives that only one can talk about what's going on because if the other talks then it's more one-sided, someone might not understand, it's a reminder of what's causing a problem, it's too much like what someone else does, and what ever other some bullshit ass excuses are about the matter. I guess if it's only seen as a reminder of a problem, then that's what it'll be. Guess there's nothing left to talk about then. - My heart hurts - My head hurts - I have new gray hairs and I plucked one from my hairline this morning. I was fine with it until it decided not to cooperate. - Spiderman was great. - I've been eating salads. - I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never have any more children. Probably a good thing because the one I have stresses me out. Though that's mostly because being a single parent is the hardest thing in the world when you're not rich or have a big and close family. - I've been blocking things and it's affecting my performance at work. I just don't give a shit about anything. I have work that's not done, and only 4 weeks left til summer. I honestly considered driving home this morning. Calling out from the car in the parking lot, and just driving back home. To do what? Not a damn thing. - Discovered the six degrees of separation between me and one of my students today. Whoa. *sings* "It's a small world after all..." - If things are going to end then why should I bother trying to be close to anyone else that comes along with it. I have no desire to be reminded of yet another failure by communicating with folks that'll remind me of all of it. - I feel defeated every moment of every hour I attempt to be something I'm not. I don't know what happy is or how to be happy. And when I am happy I'm told all the reasons I'm probably not happy. Like some bullshit about not having free time would be better than a few more rough days. I guess that would make sense to someone who can take a break whenever they want. Never mind that a decent break or a decent amount of rest makes humans more capable of handling the shit life throws at them. But hey. It's always something though. Because I don't jump for joy, or get all excited and chatty then it must not have been good enough. Yea I complained. I didn't get a response when I said it so I said it again, and again. Some sort of acknowledgement would have been nice. But I never said, man my whole day is ruined. Actually I did say the exact opposite. I remember because I said I would be happier if----- but I am still happy. I was. Not anymore. - I posted a pic on facebook earlier that said something like I'm 30 but I feel like I'm 20, until I hang out with people who are 20 and then I'm like yea I'm definitely 30. Yup. - I want a new car. And a truck. And a bike. - I want my hair done. - I think it's time to find a pair of earrings since I've been putting it off for over a year now. Maybe someone is finally selling a pair I'd like. My poor ears are naked. - I want some new shoes. Cute ones. Yellow ones to go with my new dress. - I still have a headache - I can't believe I did that. Always being told go ahead and do it and I don't want to, but today I just went off and did it. Regret. Remorse, Concern. Fear. I shouldn't have done that. I should have just said get out of my car and gone home like I wanted to. - My laptop battery is dying now......
I read an article this morning about being an Over-Giver and have decided that YES I AM an Over-Giver. Though I don't agree with my motives being selfish because the majority of the time I don't want anything in return ... but some other times I either don't want someone to be upset with me, or I think that if I don't do it that they definitely won't be there for me when I eventually do ask for something.
I'm wondering, what's the opposite of an over-giver? An over-taker? Selfish and self serving people who couldn't care less what's going on with you, unless it impacts what's going on with them? Maybe. *shrugs*
I tried the being selfish thing and just as I expected someone else fell off. During her down time she was coming by all the time, and asking for help alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time. But now that things are better, where is she? And where's my dog?! *rolls eyes*
I had other thoughts about the article but my mind is mush at the moment. I'll be able to focus more once I'm not downing in chores.
Giving for the wrong reasons can be detrimental to both your relationship and your self-esteem. Women often report that they feel as though they give and give and receive little in return.
Generous giving comes from a generous place, which implies that you have taken care of your own needs and can put forth energy toward others. It comes from a full heart. Over-giving, on the other hand, is not the ultimate form of selflessness. Instead, it essentially comes from an inability to receive. That means you give, give, give because you think (or hope) it will be appreciated, or because it makes you feel good about yourself, or because you feel morally obliged to. The truth is, if you are unable to take in love, attention, or help from others and accept it completely, you are giving from an empty heart. Think about some of your relationships and try to be honest about whether your giving is from a generous place or a depleted one.
Generous giving feels light and joyful. Over-giving feels burdensome because it is a one-way flow of energy.
Consider the following points to help you determine whether you might be giving too much:
It feels so good and important for you to be the giver in almost every relationship.
You feel guilty when someone gives something to you.
You put the needs of others before your own.
You apologize excessively if you are not able to “give” the way you would like to.
You avoid or are uncomfortable at the thought of asking for something.
You have considered the possibility that your giving could be the result of some insecurity.
You find that you give because you want to feel loved, liked, or admired.
If you have identified yourself as an over-giver, or can relate to any of these examples of over-giving, you are probably feeling exhausted��"sacrificing your needs on behalf of others is an unsustainable state.
If you are not sure whether you give for the right reasons, it's likely that your giving is based in negativity of some sort. Do you know that feeling when someone gives you an inappropriately intimate or generous gift? Do you know uncomfortable it feels when it is unjustified or just plain awkward? It feels, at that moment, that it is way more about them than it is you, right? Keep that in mind if you are tempted to give from a place of need, rather than generosity of spirit.
Consider the ways that over-giving can take the form of self-sabotage:
Isn’t it funny how you seem to attract the wrong people? Do you find that you are surrounded by people seeking to exploit you in some way, or take advantage of your good nature?
You are working too hard. The balance is off. Most people can tell, they can feel, when you are giving from a place of pressured desire for something in return, rather than an open and kind heart.
It can lead to a detrimental sense of entitlement: I gave this to you, so now, you owe me.
If you are giving to get something, it will backfire. If you are giving to prove something, you will wind up on the losing end. If you are not sure if this is what you are doing, take a closer look at your motivation.
In a worst-case scenario, you end up not extending your best effort to your partner or your relationship either because you can’t��"you are exhausted��"or you don’t want to��"you are angry and resentful. It will increase the likelihood that you will feel disappointed, taken advantage of, and constantly frustrated.
Finally, it’s important to see how the tendency to over giving can result from depressive thinking and, if so, could keep you feeling depressed longer. The distorted thought can be something like, I will be a better person and you will love me more if I give this to you. This is not the same as, I love you and feel loved by you, and therefore, I will give this to you. Do you see the difference? Giving in the hopes of getting something back can boomerang and leave you feeling uncared for.
Sometimes, overdoing it can be a futile attempt to overload the other side in the hopes of reciprocated attention. If I give and give again, surely I will get something back for this. If it backfires, though, you will feel undervalued and unappreciated.
Warning Signs: When Over-Giving Becomes a Problem
You continue to give in situations that leave you feeling emotionally empty.
You are feeling alone in your relationship and barely able to take care of your own emotional needs.
You are afraid that if you stop excessive giving, your partner may be unhappy, or admit that they are more interested in something other than you.
You are afraid that if you stop giving your partner will leave.
If you are giving to your partner instead of communicating what you need and how you feel, you are giving too much.
If you identify with any of these warning signs, your over-giving is not helping. It is keeping you in a relationship that, whether you know it or not, is not feeling good to you. It is time to call this to the attention of your partner, either through serious conversation or with the help of a therapist.
To offset this inclination to over-give, start thinking in terms of what you are actually doing. A bit of honest introspection is called for. Most over-givers have exceptionally kind hearts and are incredibly caring by nature. That’s the good part. The trouble comes when you have difficulty setting limits and attain ego-satisfaction or personal gratification from others seeing how gracious you are. Think about it: If this is something you find yourself wrapped up in across the board��"at work, in your neighborhood, with your friends��"you might want to practice delegating as an attempt to release yourself from this tendency to over-give.
You date someone. A year goes by. They still have no idea you don't like wheat bread.
About how long does it usually take to get to know someone? Like, well enough to order a sandwich without having to ask, "What would you like on it?"
For as long as I can remember, I've had it in my mind that it takes the first year to get to know a person and then the second year to decide if you can live with what you've learned. For that reason alone I always wonder about couples who get engaged within a few months. Especially if it's someone new (not a friend or a friend of a friend). I can't even poop within 3 rooms with 2 doors closed in between us, let alone with the door actually open during the first few months!
It struck me as odd. I mean really, I make sandwiches at home pretty often and I've never used wheat. I guess maybe I could have been trying something new today? Maybe? I don't know. At least I answered. Yay me :/
I was watching a lady reach for her huge sunglasses yesterday while she made the comment, "I'd better wear my sunglasses, I know the sun is beaming out there."
My first thought was; wouldn't wearing huge sunglasses give you raccoon eyes? I'd imagine that if the sun is beaming on your face that much, and you've covered everything but your forehead and mouth, that you'd end up with a raccoon eye tan.
My second thought was; is it wrong that I found the "coon" reference funny while watching that brown skin person? Yes yes I know it's a horrible reference, but that's still what I was thinking! A coon looking coon!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I don't know honestly because I don't wear sunglasses. I've tried it. But I end up leaving them one place or another and just like a purse I grow tired of keeping up with them.