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Thursday, March 16, 2017
A Thing of Beauty

Lately there are a lot of things I've found wrong with myself, and I would hardly consider myself beautiful. However, today I've discovered the true beauty in my life ... emotional freedom. I've crawled out of my depression enough to realize things are not as they should be, nor how I deserve, and I want more. I've rediscovered the beauty of confidence, and knowing that no matter what, I will make it through by my own merit. I will make it through with love. Love conquers all.

It's a thing of beauty to experience real love, even if it comes and goes. I used to think heartache was the worst. No one wants to experience heartache, but we all have and will again. This applies to friends, family, pets, and even things. It hurts to lose something you valued, no matter what it is. It's a thing of beauty to experience pain, loss, disappointment, hurt, anger, etc. Without those things we'd never know or appreciate anything else. So often we take for granted what comes naturally; physically and emotionally. We take for granted the things others do, as well as our ability to do for others. It's a thing of beauty to realize the equal importance of everything in this world! And I mean everything!

When things are bad, it's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally easy to lose yourself and confuse right/wrong, good/bad, and accept less than greatness. This is why people get stuck in sorry dead-end jobs, lousy "friendships", and wack relationships.

"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Find love. Be love. Accept love. Don't rely on others for love. Don't compare love, and Don't fear love ... for love bears all things. It's a thing of beauty to be free in love.

Posted at 3/16/2017 8:31:05 pm by 5537izMore
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Thursday, February 16, 2017
Time Flies When You're Battling Demons

Not that I ever finished addressing my original list of happenings but I can update things that are no longer relevant.

I no longer need to discuss working on my bathroom because I don't have the funds to do it. I was thinking I'd refi, use money from that and be submerged in bliss. HOWEVER, that wasn't the case. Refi, yes. Funds, no. Oh the lies people tell. Turns out my mother withheld some important info from me, just goes to show I made no mistake in separating myself from them more.

The separation has been working out well. I mean other than that I still need them to help me no that I'm back to being bogged down with work issues. But overall, I do more without worry. I enjoy things without judgement. I'm much less concerned about getting anyone's approval.

Shit hit the fan at work again when TWO OTHER people made major mistakes and they decided that anyone who was involved with anything in the previous months would be made an example. So I'm fighting a wrongful termination suit, and have been sitting on my ass for 6 months now. I shouldn't say sitting on my ass, it makes it sounds as if I haven't been doing anything when in reality I've been working myself to death 90% of the time.

I started two of my own businesses. I've been working on getting certified in other states while I still have the ability to do so. I've been running Don all around town to get him the medical care he's needed but I didn't have the time to be as persistent about. I managed to squeeze in some travel to see family. Most of my days are spent running around town for one reason or another, cleaning the house because if I don't it'll remain a filthy mess, cooking, and trying to get out of my own head. Depression is real.

I looked into seeing a head dr. That hasn't worked out because no one has been responsive. I've called, emailed and still no one has contacted me. So instead I cry, a lot. I've been telling myself to get on here and write but until today that hasn't happened (obviously). I figure if I have the time to get on the computer I need to be doing things that are getting me towards completing these backup plans. I did some of that before I started typing this.

My relationship has gone to shit. I read my last post before I began this entry and it's sad to see how I went from saying he's great, so how unloved I feel. And then now, almost a year later, I have to say the same thing. Nothing has changed. I still feel unloved and lonely. I take care of myself all of the time, and I still have to pull myself together to be a good parent. I feel weak and tired, and if I could lay down and quit I would. I'm so fed up with being "strong." I take care of everyone and no one takes care of me. I'm not living, I'm existing.

The last time I was on leave I focused on getting back in shape. This time I did the same, until I discovered my asthma medication had been poisoning me for 5 months and the weight I've gained (mostly in the last 2 months of it) will have to start coming off on it's own POSSIBLY in the next 6 MONTHS now that I'm not taking it anymore. I worked my ass off for two months without losing an ounce because frikkin DULERA is the devil. I feel sloppy and unattractive.

I've changed my hair a few times, but it went unnoticed. I got another earring just so I could feel something. It wasn't until Tuesday that I actually looked at my new earring and smiled. I like it. I like it a lot. Tiny ass ears of mine, but I'm glad I got another hole. I now have a total of 10 earrings. I still want my dermals back. Especially the ones from my collar. I took them out because they kept getting knocked out during workouts, and one of them was really irritated. I look at the spots and I miss them very much. I also want a tattoo. I'm not 100% on placement, but I know I want a semi-colon butterfly.

I stopped getting my nails done almost 3 months ago, so they're almost back to normal. I kept them short while I cut off all of the damaged new growth, and NOW I can go back to growing my own healthy nails without acrylic. I don't know why I started the acrylic in the first place. I did like how freshly done nails looked, but it's certainly money that could be better used. I also enjoyed taking the time to pamper myself. I haven't been getting pedicures either.

I've started cutting Don's hair myself again too. He had been going to the barber, but continued to have fits in the chair. It was embarrassing and tiresome. I had to take the time to get him there just for him to cry and cut a fool. Now I have to take the time to do it myself, but at least I'm not embarrassed. He doesn't want me to cut his Mohawk off. Fine *shrugs*

My son was in soccer for a while. He took interest in it when he found out T played, but when it became just me and him he lost interest. Instead, I've signed him up for Cub Scouts. I don't know what I was thinking! I want him to be able to commune with other males and learn things about becoming a man, from MEN. But there are more women involved then men it turns out (men are seriously failing today's children), and it's time consuming as ever. Now I have to help him work on scout project and tasks in his book so he can earn badges and belt loops. The uniform was EXPENSIVE!!! He needs a new book each year, AND because I'm the only parent I get the privilege of taking him each week and attending all of the trips. I guess he's going to miss out on some, because I have my limits. If I were working NONE OF THIS would be happening. Which is ass backward because I need to be working to afford this shit! I want to sign him up for tutoring as well so someone else can help with math. I need to figure out how to make that work.

Depression has taken over me. Some days I don't know how I make it from morning to night. I surprise myself with how much I accomplish, that my home hasn't gone to complete shit, and that my kid is still in one piece. Some days I don't care about anything at all. If it weren't for Brooke (a new person I met), Rashaad, Don and occasionally Byrd I would not be as ok as I am. Brooke keeps me on my toes and gets me out of the house. Rashaad checks on me, and has taken time off to help me get things done when he sees I'm dragging my feet. Don shows me love and gives me hugs n kisses when he sees I'm down. Byrd has been calling, and actually doesn't want anything!!! That's so new!! She literally calls to see how I'm doing. I've made a point to stop by her house from time to time because of it.

I don't know if going back to work right now is the best thing for me or not. I wanted to go back to work but now the school year is almost over. Not to mention I barely pull myself together to get Don to school. I don't even get dressed for it. I leave this house, no bra, no socks. Hell I've even taken him there in my footy pj's. I don't have to get out of the car anymore so I don't give a damn. Ok that's somewhat of a lie, because there are mornings I pull my coat closed and still walk inside of stores with my house clothes on. Yup. I just don't care. At least my hair is usually ok.

Did I miss anything?

Posted at 2/16/2017 10:32:23 am by 5537izMore
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Saturday, April 09, 2016
Topics I Skipped/Missed/Neglected to Complete

- Plans .... I'm sure I have some, I just need to think about it a bit more

Well, before I didn't know what my plans were. But NOW I have plenty! I plan to:
* get back in shape
* get my bathroom finished (already chose some flooring)
* take more than one trip (doesn't have to be major like the cruise, but it needs to be something other than NY)
* get Don into group activities (right now he's in soccer)
* put more into my savings (yes, while taking trips I intend to save something)
* make a few shirts (because I haven't made a single one since that faggot molested my kid!)

- Work - ooooooooh the drama
I won't bother talking about that shit, because IM OUT THAT BITCH!!!!! WOOT!!!!! IM FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

- Travel - Disney was great! Desires for the next trip.

As I said above I hope to go somewhere else this year other than the cruise. I'm thinking about the Poconos because I've never been. It's simple, close, and affordable compared to the overseas adventures I'd like to take. Maybe next year will be my year for that. 2017, 35th bday business! :)

- Family - cutting the cord!

I've been distancing myself and obtaining more autonomy with each passing day. Of course I still ask for and receive help occasionally, but when it comes to a direction; I've been doing things my way! I've said no to the things I don't agree with. I've put my foot down, and sometimes shouted when my voice was being drowned out.

- My Him :) - and the greatness of all that he is.

The jury is out on this case for the moment. I had a bunch of things to say when I first wrote my list of topics, but since then I've been pushed to the back burner and feel ... lonely. I'm upset, my son is upset, and he is oblivious. Let him tell it, he's not oblivious and he knows the things that bother me so I guess that would only prove my statements about how selfish he's been. I want to be loved the way I need to be loved, which I've said to him. I don't want to be loved the way he feels like doing it which doesn't make me feel any kind of way at all. Hell I'm not even loved! I was told if I continue to WAIT that I'll be able to see he's capable of love through how he treats his kids. Awwww how sweet (sarcasm!). I don't want to SEE, I want to FEEL! Who wouldn't want to be the recipient of such a feeling?! Touch me, hold me, caress my skin, talk to me, take me somewhere, show me off, make me believe you give a damn about me and not just the comfort and ease I bring to your life. I'd rather not complain over n over about why I'm unhappy. Instead, maybe I need to accept that he's not ready and distance myself.

Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
Ephesians 4:2-3 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

I love him. I want him. I want the same in return without begging for it.

- Mini Me - ooooooooooh the drama, the good the bad the ugly

Posted at 4/9/2016 9:15:45 pm by 5537izMore
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Monday, January 04, 2016
topics to cover (updates started)

- Cleaning house. Purging things that bring bad memories, and the joys of the new sofa.

The only way to really start this section is to put out there what happened so you'll know WHY things have been tossed and replaced.  My son was molested by a family "friend" who I'd taken in after their mom died.  Since then, every and ANYthing that reminds me of that person (or anyone from that damn family) has had to go!  I've gotten rid of the comforter I let him use, the bag he carried his gym clothes in, every single navy blue towel, anything that had a transformer on it, my sofa, and soon the mattress he slept on.  I've had to rearrange the guest room just so it looks/feels different so I can go in there again.  I took down pictures, tossed little mementos, threw out the last of and refuse to ever buy again the brand of cereal he ate, and probably a bunch of other things I can't recall this second.  It was a sad but therapeutic process that has helped me regain some sanity, and get back to being comfortable in my own home again.  I wasn't able to look at the sofa let alone sit on it without picturing his fat ass sitting in the same corner.  I got a call from social services that pissed me off so much because they basically say he's going to get away with it and live life without a care since he's autistic.  HIGH FUNCTIONING AND WELL AWARE OF WHAT HE WAS DOING, but autistic nonetheless so they won't name him. When I got off the phone I flipped my shit and tossed that sofa out in the rain.  I was trying to wait until it was really in my budget to replace it before telling people they'll have to sit on the floor when they visit, but in that moment the damn thing had to go!  Yes I've replaced it anyway ..... and when I say it feels GREAT in my family room, that's probably an understatement.  I LOOOOOOOOVE the way it looks.  I LOOOOOOOOVE the way it feels.  I hated that I found more of his shit when I was going through that, but I LOOOOOOOOVE knowing that it's gone now and there's less to find later.  It's been a really expensive, painful, and tiring process but each day gets better.

- Therapy (D) - Not sure exactly what to think about it, but here's hoping

Due to the trauma my son experienced, and not knowing how long or how frequently the abuse occurred, my son's now in play therapy.  He was acting out in school, and has been moved into a behavior class because he was absolutely horrible.  Since he's been in the class he's been better in school, and I haven't had to deal with a ton of phone calls/notes about his actions.  It's impossible to tell if he was acting out because of the abuse or if he was acting out for other reasons (boredom included) but he's getting better.  He's still stubborn beyond measure, and that mouth ... omg that mouth of his. No comment.  He's been very clingy around the house and has reverted to baby things like baby talk and whining.  It takes an hour to drive him to therapy because the best therapist for him happens to be worlds away.  Of course.  The intended outcome is that he will learn to express himself appropriately, learn better ways to interact with others, understand his feelings and address his confusion, and develop long lasting healthy habits from here on out.  He likes going to therapy because its PLAY therapy.  He's really good at removing feelings and thoughts from his play which makes it a bit more challenging. He had a one track mind and unless he wants to spill his guts about something, he will focus on the items/task at hand only.  Before he began going to therapy I was glad when he said he was done talking to grownups about "the booty shake" because then I didn't have to hear it anymore.  After being interviewed REPEATEDLY by doctors, police, social workers, and the school counselor he said all on his own that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.  Now I'm wondering if its something he should be mentioning to his therapist or not.  It's hard to tell what's going on with him, if he thinks about it at all, or if he's left it in the past.  I guess we'll see.

- Therapy (L) - Back to blogging! Being able to talk and share and answer questions from close ones seems to be working well enough without adding another stranger to my life

Finding a counselor for myself was tasking.  I searched, I called, I emailed.  I was considering interviewing some, but then only found two who interested me.  Of those two, only ONE responded to my message.  So I told myself I'd go meet her ........ but I haven't.  Any honestly, I don't think I will.  I've made it through a lot of crying (A LOT of crying), and unlike in my past, this time I've been able to talk about it.  I get angry.  I did have a conversation with one licensed psychologist at work who helped me realize I'm more than just angry.  He asked me a few questions and in our short time together he analyzed the hell out of me perfectly.  When I said it was just so much so fast, he made it clear that it was a "tremendous" amount but it wasn't so fast all of a sudden, it was a tremendous amount over a very long period of time.  And I need to start doing more than quick fixing my moments.  I can no longer patch things up with loud music and cleaning because so many things trigger my breakdowns that I need to be able to manage it at work too.  For a month I broke down at work and be useless.  When I spazz I can't focus.  I have too much "mental noise" he said and  I needed to reduce that noise by taking things off my plate.  I pleaded to get out of things at work.  I've stopped both of my side hustles so no one is getting their hair done and no one is getting any shirts.  I have less of a problem pulling myself out of bed now, but originally it was the hardest part of the day, especially on weekends when I really didn't have to. 

He said that the two things that make recovery hard for most people, are not issues I have because I have no problem with my self esteem (I'm freakin awesome) and I know that what happened is not my fault.  He says I should be able to address my anger management without counseling but that I should probably talk to someone regarding my grief, and sense of betrayal. 

Being betrayed has been the hardest emotion to conquer.  Thinking about it makes me cry, because I do things from the heart, with good intentions and to continuously be hurt like this has broken some of my spirit in ways I don't know how to fix.  Damnit just typing this part has me in tears again.  Having someone close to you, hurt you ... especially in this way ... it's the worst.  I spent years keeping my son away from one person I KNEW has issues, and even still I ended up inviting some pervert into my home! How fucked up is that!!!!!  Who knew!!!  Now I'm done.  I'm afraid of what I'll do if I see any of them again.  I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. 

However, I don't think I need to waste time or MORE MONEY on seeing someone.  I'm doing well on my own. I think as long as I have someone checking on me and asking me questions that make me keep thinking, then I'll get through it.  The last time I was in therapy was when I started this blog.  So here I am, blogging again!  Over a decade of my thoughts in one place.  The plan was to get help for myself so that I can better help my son, but he's doing ok.  And I've improved because now I don't scream (literally scream n fuss) when those names are mentioned.  Before, I would say things like WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM! and I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!  Not anymore. Last week he mentioned one, I politely answered and we moved on.  Am I glad it didn't end up being some long conversation .. hell yes!  Would I have been able to have a longer conversation .. don't know.   

- Plans .... I'm sure I have some, I just need to think about it a bit more

- Work - ooooooooh the drama

- Travel - Disney was great! Desires for the next trip.

- Cool Sculpting - reasons and feelings

Even at my smallest I've always had love handles.  It makes shopping for jeans and dresses much harder because I'm already shaped differently with minimal torso and forever long legs.  When I put on my pants they are shoved down by my flanks and I spend the day, with a belt or not, pulling my pants up.  Dresses sit higher up because of it so I spend more time pulling them back down, and lately I've had the same issues with some of my hoodies.  I figured for the price, it would be less of a risk than laser lipo, or actual lipo that would leave scars.  So far it's been a pain.  They talk about it saying there's no down time but that's a lie.  Between going numb, the pins and needles feeling, swelling, being so sensitive it hurt to have clothes touch it, and now constant itching ... I'm ready to punch those ladies in the office right in the throat!  I've yet to see any difference but this is only the first month and they say maximum results are at the end of month 3.  IF (and that's a huge IF right now), IF I see results, I would recommend folks only do it if you have 2-4 weeks of vacation.  If you have a job that requires a lot of movement, and if you enjoy going to the gym, you can forget it! 

- Family - cutting the cord!

- My Him :) - and the greatness of all that he is.

- Mini Me - ooooooooooh the drama, the good the bad the ugly



Posted at 1/4/2016 11:35:29 pm by 5537izMore
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Saturday, February 21, 2015
When The Going Gets Tough ...

Funny how I went into things saying that I'm a runner, and that I mess things up intentionally because I'm too much of a coward to speak my feelings, or end things. Then I changed my ways, changed my style, changed my LIFE. I committed myself to us, and gave it my all to keep things going. But here I am tonight, thinking it's time for me to hit the bricks. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, right?! I don't know what else to do. I think I've tried everything. Ideas anyone?

Posted at 2/21/2015 10:15:05 pm by 5537izMore
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Friday, February 20, 2015
Split Personality?

I started a second blog thats supposed to be a collaborative writing project with a friend, but thus far I'm the only one posting on it. I haven't had time to write on this one, and yet now I'm keeping up with two? I wonder how long that will last. I think I write the same way on both except here I talk more about problems and how I want to work on them, and on the other I just quit on life. Whatever it is that I don't feel like dealing with anymore, the bullshit, the boredom, the drama, the hardships, etc I'm just like f it I QUIT. I don't know in what direction I'm going anymore. It's like being on the titanic (instead of watching it and knowing what's going to happen), I'm on board, I know what's happening and know that sooner or later there will be an end to the chaos. However, I don't know if I'll be one of the people who drown or if I'll survive the ordeal.

Posted at 2/20/2015 1:25:08 pm by 5537izMore
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Sunday, December 07, 2014
Drunk In Love

I've had a huge rasperita in my fridge for a few weeks and refused to touch it. I was perfectly context just tasting the nice flavor of the tiny cranberita cans that didn't do much for my feelings, but quenched my thirst. Well, I drank the razz. The whole thing that I would typically share. I took my time with it and now while I'm working on a lesson plan I keep getting distracted because I miss everything about her.

I mean I forced a break from work to play, and cook, and some other things. But I'm trying to complete another awesome lesson but maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, *shouts at self* FOCUS INDI, FREAKIN FOCUS!!!!!!!

Posted at 12/7/2014 8:41:11 pm by 5537izMore
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short on time

I've been meaning to write for a long time but I'm typically short on time. Well, since I was up at 3am, I got quite a bit done in the wee hours of the day then usual (including writing my best friend, whom I always choose to use my free time writing over this blog). It's been a reasonably productive day.

Honestly I don't know what to write since I've been writing Patty all day, and talked on the phone to honest ears all night.

I've had one thought come up over and over: What the heck happened?

Yea I dunno. Well I tried to write. Back to cleaning and lesson plans.

Posted at 12/7/2014 3:56:43 pm by 5537izMore
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Saturday, November 15, 2014
The Things On My Mind - Crowding My Headspace

- No one's brushed my hair in months.

- Chores are overwhelming me.

- Helping a friend turned into yet another heartache and more tears.

- I just want to lay in bed a while.

- My son is beautiful and smart, but he's tap dancing on my last nerve.

- Where the heck is my so-called bestie?

- I wanted signing to be fun, and it ended up being additional stress.

- Even loud music isn't getting me out of my own head.

- I wish I had a good singing voice. I feel sorry for my neighbors.

- I had things on my mind to write but lost them because there are so many things flooding my thoughts that now I'm stuck on the things I've already listed but in greater detail.  Basically lists for my lists!


Posted at 11/15/2014 4:10:02 pm by 5537izMore
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Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Progress - Handing the Frustrations

There are a lot of things that get on my nerves as we've assessed thus far. Over the last week some of the things that fuel my fire have been reduced a bit. I've been able to break away from kiddo, get things done around the house, knock things off my to-do list, and get a little rest as needed. Of course it's also easier and less stressful because I'm not doing much for work these days either, but hey, I'll claim even the small victories for now.

I think I've been dealing with some things better than I used to. I've been attempting to be more responsive even though I'm still annoyed. I've gotten through some situation without completely spazzing out, crying, or falling into a mini depression. I even approached someone about a lie that was told. I think most people know that if I'm going to call anyone a bitch I'll do it within ear shot! I let them know that I didn't call them a bitch but I DID say they were a pain in the ass :) Not sure why that's any better, but it brought peace and comfort. LOL!

I'm back to sleeping better too.

It would be nice if mini me would get on board with the stress free movement, but instead he's decided to be the opposition! All day every day defiance. Psychological warfare. Poor guy .... he doesn't know who he's dealing with.

<22 days til summer vacation>

Posted at 5/27/2014 9:25:28 pm by 5537izMore
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